Sometimes I get to thinking about the cyclical nature of life. The way that everything single thing we do has a natural consequence- whether we know it or not. I am going through a lot of life changes right now and it has me feeling a bit unsettled.
You know the feeling in your chest that is sort of like an itch from the inside? Like static energy in your chest that you can’t get to move but it needs to leave for the itch to stop. I have been feeling that way.
I think the name for that feeling is probably just anxiety.
Several of my friends are moving up north in the coming weeks/months. It has been making me feel very sad. I am proud of them, and I am excited for their futures, but it also brings up feelings of regret. Regretting that I haven’t gotten to spend enough time with them. Regretting that I haven’t gotten to nurture a closer relationship. Regretting that I am not moving on in the same way as them. In the way that I had planned for myself.
I’ve never been good at letting go. It is something I really want to work on.
As some folks are leaving my world, others are reentering my world in a different capacity than before.
I feel so uncomfortable.
Discomfort is not always a bad thing. In fact, more often than not, it is a good thing. It can push you to grow.
I am having a strange time navigating the ways that relationships change. How friendships can sour and you don’t know that person anymore or how an initially romantic endeavor can turn into a friendship or how friends can grow so close they feel like family.
I wonder sometimes if my relationships will survive all these changes. Like when you repot a plant. Sometimes it thrives- sometimes it can’t stand the stress. I also wonder if I can ever fully move from one phase to another. Right now I feel like I am stuck in an in-between in many places in my life. Like I got repotted but my roots are still molded to the old pot.
In between long having moved on and tiny parts of me stuck in the past. In between the today and tomorrow. Feeling like I simultaneously made the right and wrong decisions.
Sometimes I feel so sure of who I am, only to question right after whether or not I even know a little bit about who I am. Even further, if I was more sure of who I was, would I like them?
All of these things are living in my chest as this itchy, static energy I want to release. I haven’t found the best way, but writing it down is a start.
Here is what I know:
It is okay to feel anxious. It is okay to experience discomfort. It is also okay to learn ways to move through these emotions.
I am 10000x more likely to have the static feeling in my chest if I take my adderall on an empty stomach. (10000000 if I also drink an energy drink)
Sometimes communicating the feeling is a lot less scary than the scenario I make up in my head about what will happen when I communicate the feeling\
I don’t move at the same pace as everyone else. That is okay.
I am so privileged to have the support system that I have. I can work through any change.
Feeling connected to myself helps me connect with others
On this note, I leave you with this:
This photo of a spilled mocktail